


This Impossible Year

by cantthinkofausername_B_Pike



Series: Carry On Countdown 2017 [6]
Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Carry On Countdown, Depression?, Established Relationship, M/M, post-carry on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-07 18:18:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12846816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantthinkofausername_B_Pike/pseuds/cantthinkofausername_B_Pike
Summary: Simon's magic has always been a part of him, and now it's gone.





	This Impossible Year

**Author's Note:**

> To avoid confusion: this is set the fall after Carry On, so Simon, Baz, and Penny are just starting college. Personal hc that Baz has some fancy job, maybe internship Simon and Penny are flatmates. I forgot about Simon's wings and I'm too lazy to put them in the story.  
> Title is from Impossible Year by Panic! at the Disco. That song fits really well with the general mood here. As always, thanks to my sister for betaing.

SIMON

The first thing I notice when I wake up is the cold. I huddle into a smaller ball under the blanket, but it doesn’t help. My toes feel like blocks of ice. If I thought being always too hot, about to boil over, was horrible… this is a thousand times worse. I roll over, pull the blankets closer around me, and try to fall back asleep.

 

***

 

I spend most of the day in bed, drifting in and out of sleep. I’m missing classes, but I can’t bring myself to get up. I watch the web of frost slowly retreat down the window, and the occasional flakes of snow tumble through the air with the last of the fall leaves. 

Even colder than the outside air is the empty space inside me, the space where my magic used to be. It was my own furnace, a fire always burning in my chest. And now it’s gone. It’s been months, but I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. 

What hurts the most is that I’d never appreciated my magic like I should have. It was a miracle for maybe a year, but it quickly faded into the background. Something I took for granted. Something that annoyed the hell out of me, because I was the Chosen One and all I was good for was making things explode.

And now I can’t even do that.

I can feel a tear slowly rolling down my cheek, but I don’t wipe it away. I hug my knees to my chest and continue to stare out the window. I’m watching the world turn around me, but I’m numb.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hear the door to the flat creak open. Penny’s voice says my name, and she’s talking but I can’t hear her, not really.

My fingers are paler than I’ve ever seen them. The backs of my hands are chapped, and for a minute or two I just marvel at it. Winter is closing in, and it’s getting to me just the same as everyone else. 

 

***

 

The color is slowly fading from the air when my bedroom door opens. The shadows are lengthening and the air looks frozen. I don’t turn around, and for a moment I’m surprised when the corner of my bed sinks. 

Penny is perched on the edge of the bed, a steaming cup of cocoa in her hands. She’s wearing sweats and an oversized hoodie – she must’ve been home for a while, then. Time hasn’t really passed, not for me, not today.

Wordlessly, she holds out the cup to me. Her eyes are asking a question. _Are you okay?_

I break eye contact and take the cocoa. The cup is hot, almost too hot to hold. I curl my fingers around it and soak up the warmth. 

“Simon?” She asks.

I watch the curls of steam rise from the cup. 

“Did you go to classes today?”

I shake my head. It’s been a long time since this happened. I thought, we both thought, I’d adjusted to living a Normal life. We were wrong.

“Have you eaten anything?”

I shake my head again. I don’t think I’ve moved all day.

“Okay.” She waits a minute or two, long enough that I don’t think she’s going to say anything else. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I turn my head to look her in the eyes, hoping that conveys the message. _I can’t_ , I think. _It’s just too much, it feels like someone scraped out my heart and now I’m hollow._

“Would you like some food?”

I just need someone to stay. Someone to wait with me until I come back to myself, because right now I’m lost, floating somewhere in space. I’m in the place with my magic, somewhere I can’t find. I don’t say that, I don’t say anything. 

She walks out, and for a minute, I think – I don’t know what I think. That she abandoned me, when I never asked for her to stay. But she returns with another blanket and a cup of cocoa for herself and sits, leaning against the wall, staring out the window with me.

I watch time pass, Penny pulls out her phone. It’s nice. It’s a silence that would be companionable if both parties were mentally present. As it is, her presence is reassuring. A sign that I’m still worth something, I’m still loved, as a Normal. That at least one person on this earth will stick with me even though I’m not the Chosen One anymore, I’m just a college student who works night shift at a diner. I’m nobody, but at least I have a friend.

 

***

 

It’s dark when Penny leaves. Her phone lights up, and she quietly unfolds herself from my bed and sneaks out. The silence feels lonesome, almost stifling, without her. I watch my reflection shining on the windowpane. More than half is covered with frost, and I’ve never been good with words but my brain makes that into a metaphor.

Light slices through the image as my door opens. I see Baz’s silhouette enter, though I don’t move until he’s standing right next to me. He’s still wearing his suit, though he’s taken off his jacket; he must’ve come straight from work. I look up at him, and I was crying earlier and my eyes can’t still be red but they must be, because the first thing he asks is “What’s wrong, love?”

And I wish I could tell him, but I don’t know. Or, rather, I do, but how do you put into words the feeling that everything you were is gone? “I’m cold,” I say. My voice cracks from lack of use.

One of his eyebrows raises, just a bit, but in a way that’s asking me to elaborate, that’s admitting confusion. More than anything, he looks concerned. 

“I’ve never been cold before,” I say.

I can see the moment when everything clicks. 

“Oh, _Simon_.” He sits next to me and wraps his arm around me. I lean on his shoulder, and he rests his hand on my hip, pulling me closer to him, grounding me. “I can’t even imagine…” He trails off.

I think of a million ways he could have ended that sentence. _What you’re going through. How you feel. Losing everything._ The cloud of numbness I’ve floated through all day is slowly lifting, and the emptiness is almost crushing me. I turn my face into his shoulder as I feel my eyes start to fill with tears. We’re sort of hugging; I’m falling onto him and only supporting myself by grabbing his shoulder. He’s still got one arm around me and is running his other hand over my hair.

“It’s okay, it’s going to be alright, love,” Baz whispers. “Hey, I’m here, I’m not leaving you, okay?”

And as I lay there and hold him as I cry, the only thing I can think is that Baz runs cold.  
 


End file.
